“Thank you all for being here today. My father would have greatly appreciated all the people who showed up to pay their respects.”

“This isn’t easy for any of us—but Daddy had been suffering for a while and we are just grateful he finally found peace. As you all may know, my father was a great community man. He spoke of this community and the great things and people that came out of it on a regular basis. He prided himself on the changes he achieved for our Town Square and how much he influenced the Sociology department, but most importantly he prided himself in keeping this family together even if Rhys, Emile, and myself weren’t always here to appreciate it. We’ve been through some rough times but always came out on top thanks to Daddy, and we were all here for him until the very last second, one big happy family. He was a great father who always took the time to be there for us. He taught us how to ride bicycles on the driveway, how to defend ourselves on the playground, and how to make toast. He was a wonderful husband, going with Mom on romantic vacations, taking the ballroom classes she so desperately wanted and sometimes just surprising her at home with flowers or chocolate.”

“We already miss him, but his presence will always be a part of us.”

***

“Isn’t it sad that Bernie passed?”

“Yeah, so incredibly sad. He was a great teacher, I learned a lot from him. Although I must say I won’t miss the smell the way he smelled of must and old carpet.”

“That’s just rude. The man just died and you’re talking about the fact that he smelled?!”

“Well, you never went to the weekly meetings because you had that other class to attend. I remember sitting in his office for hours while he explained to me how to grade the exams, which really weren’t that hard to grade given the fact that he always gave us a scoring sheet. Every time I came home from those meetings, Cara would ask me to shower because she said I smelled like old person!”

“Hey, at least your girlfriend didn’t have a crush on the man! Kitsey used to come pick me up whenever I told her I had a meeting with Bernie, but on other days, nothing.”

“But he was old. Maybe he reminded her of her grandfather or something.”

“Yeah, that’s what she said.”

***

“Rhys, hey, Rhys, do you think Dad’s secret stash of confiscated drugs is still in his office?”

“Emi for the love of God, Dad just died and you’re thinking about drugs?”

“I’m just saying that I wouldn’t feel so shitty if I was hallucinating. These last couple of months were really hard for Agnes and me. You were gone all the time on your stupid work trips and we had to be here for Mom and Dad. You know how many times I sat next to him and could actually see the pain he was going through in his eyes? Do you want to know how many times Agni forgot about eating because she was so worried? Have you not noticed how sickly skinny she looks? And you just couldn’t take the time off, not even one week, to come visit your dying father in the hospital. You didn’t even call! Sometimes dad would wake up and call me Rhys and I just had to pretend to be you to spare the old man.”

“Emi—I just—I tried, OK? I just couldn’t be here, I had things to do.”

“Yeah Rhys, we all did, but Dad is gone and what do you have to say for yourself? So judge me all you want, but I’m going to Dad’s office.”

***

“You know what I heard?”

“Hm?”

“I heard Bernie was having an affair with one of his students.”

“No, that’s not possible! Cynthia would have told me.”

“Why would she tell you? You blab everything, Barb! Plus, if she really was having marriage problems, do you think she wanted everyone to know? They were a picture perfect family and she wanted to make sure they stayed that way!”

“Well, share the gossip! How do you know?”

“Last week, we were having our department meeting—now that Bernie was gone we needed to pick a new department head—and we saw this skinny young thing running out of Bernie’s office in tears. She was just bawling all over the place so I turned to Eugene and asked him if he knew who she was. And of course he knew! He said that was Kitsey McMulley and that she was in one of his classes too, and he got this look on his face, like a squinty smirk. Well, we’ve all heard the rumors about Ms. McMulley, you know you hear a lot when you sit at the cafeteria with the students!”

“That doesn’t prove anything! You’re just messing with me, Bernie was a respectable man.”

“All I’m saying is that sometimes you have to believe the rumors, and no student cries like that over their professor.”

***

“Mom, I think you’ve had enough, why don’t you give me that glass?”

“Oh honey, when you’ve been married as long as I have and your husband dies, you will understand why I’m drinking.”

“Mom, you forget that I’ve been practically living in this house for the last two months and I know that Dad’s death is not why you’re drinking. You don’t have to keep up the act much longer, but at least pretend for one last afternoon.”

“What do you think you know?”

“I heard him, in his sleep, talking about that girl. One time, he half awoke from the medication and called me her name. I asked him who she was and he responded, ‘I’ll see you next Tuesday in my office. Same time as always.’”

***

“Hello, can I help you?”

“Oh my god, you look just like him!”

“Uh, OK, thank you. I’m Rhys, what’s your name?”

“I’m Kitsey, your dad, he was—he was my professor.”

“Oh well, I didn’t realize Dad’s undergraduate students were also invited, come in.”

“Thank you, well I wasn’t technically invited but my boyfriend worked closely with him and I just want to support him.”

“How do you know where we live?”

“Oh, um—look, there he is!”

***

“Knock, knock. Hey Emi, what are you doing in Dad’s office?”

“I found Dad’s stash…and I couldn’t stand being out there anymore.”

“Ugh, I know, Mom is drinking again. She won’t let go of the glass and you know how she gets. Before you know it the entire town will know our deepest darkest secrets.”

“You really think they don’t know already?”

“Hey, scoot over and pass it down…I really don’t know Emi, but we’ve worked so hard these last couple months to not let our family fall apart.”

“I know, so let Rhys do the working for a little bit, you and I deserve a break.”

“Do you remember that summer Dad was teaching you how to ride a bike in our backyard?”

“Do I remember that summer? I still have the scars on my arms from that summer.”

“I remember sitting on the back steps wondering why he couldn’t just leave you alone and not force you to learn how to ride a bike? You were clearly not having fun and every time you fell off the bike he would smack your arm with that ruler, ‘Just like Grandpops used to do,’ he would say. That was the day I realized we were just some sick joke of a picture perfect family.”

“Yeah, well he never laid a hand on you. You were his precious little girl, Princess Agnes destined for greatness. While Rhys and I could never live up to whom he expected us to be. One time, when I was in California visiting Rhys at school he got really drunk and told me how lucky I was to be the baby of the family. He told me Dad never paid him any attention; everything was about you or me and even when he tried to share things with that he would just dismiss Rhys. He said the semester he got accepted into the Honors society Dad didn’t even congratulate him, all he said was “Did you hear about Emile’s new class? And have you talked to Agnes recently, she just got published in her school’s newspaper.” Can you imagine? And then we all wondered why he went to school so far from home?”

“Yet, you still judge him for not coming back when Dad was dying.”

“Well, wouldn’t you too? None of us had it easy with Dad, but we came back and in spite of everything that happened I loved, still love, Dad, almost as if all the other good times we had together made up for the few bad ones.”

***

“Kits? What are you doing here?”

“Oh, hi Jake, I just wanted to come support you on your day of need.”

“You really didn’t have to babe, I really was just going to leave and go home in a little bit.”

“Umm, that’s OK, I’ll just be here for you anyway.”

“Who do you keep looking around for?”

“What?”

“Kits, why do you keep looking around the room? Is everything OK?”

“Yeah, nothing to worry about. I’m just seeing who’s around.”

***

“Look who’s here, I told you they must have been having an affair.”

“Marnie, she’s kissing Bernie’s grad student, do you really think she’s here for Bernie?”

“Oh Barb don’t be so naïve. That’s how they met!”

“I’m not so sure. I think you’re just jealous of Bernie, you always wanted his position, well the man is gone I think it’s time you stopped making up rumors about him.”

“Wait, Barb, don’t go, I swear…”

***

“Oh, hi kidsies, there you are! I can’t believe you left Rhees out there with everrone.”

“Well mom, Agni and I had a little chat and we thought it was only fair that he have to suffer through that.”

“Pleeeease, you both know Rhys is the least social of the three of you.”

“Mom, you really need to lay off the Whiskey.”

“Hey! Dontchu tell me what to do. I am a grown woman who just lost her terrible husband.”

“Mom, we know, but we all loved him for who he was.”

“Oh Agni, sometimes your naiveté surprisesss me. Your father, he loved the three of you, yes sometimes he used uncommon methods of disciple—oftenwhen you didn’t evenneedit—but, but, but let me tell you something—listen up—he would have done anything for you guys. Meontheotherhand, he didn’t give a shiet about. You think that girl you heard him talking about was the first? Or did you know that for the lastfiveyears hee, hee, sleptintheguestroom?”

“Mom, it’s ok to cry.”

“Yes honey, except I’m crying because I wasssted the last ten years ofmylife with that man, not becausehesdead.”

***

“Rhys, do you remember me?”

“Oh Barb! Of course I do! How are you?”

“Well, good as I can be, how are you holding up honey?”

“You know, I haven’t quite allowed myself to mourn. What with having to take care of everything right now, it’s a little bit hard.”

“Oh, so understandable, nobody expects you to react immediately. Say, where are your mother and siblings?”

“You know what? I’m going to go find them.”

***

“Hello, I’m Marnie.”

“Oh, hi, I’m Kitsey.”

“What a lovely name!”

“Um, thank you.”

“So, Kitsey, how did you know Bernie?”

 “Oh you know. I’m one of his undergraduate students.”

“Oh really? What class did you take with him? I was one of his colleagues.”

“Oh—uh—gosh I don’t remember the name, it was so long ago.”

“Was it maybe Freud and the Oedipus Complex?”

“Yeah, that was the one.”

***

“Look at us, a bunch of sad fucks.”

“Emile, do NOT talk like that in front of your mother!”

“Sorry, I just mean that there are a lot of people here today, and all we can do is get drunk, OR high, and hide in his office.”

“Guys? Are you in here? Oh, there you are! Everyone is looking for you, well not everyone, just Barb. Mom I thought you’d had a falling out with her?”

“Come on kids, let’s go back outside.”

***

“Oh there you are Cynthia! I was beginning to worry about you.”

“Noneed to worry I have my keeds with me.”

“Well, I don’t want to alarm you but—“

“WHO THE FUCK LET THE BIMBO IN?”

“Do NOT talk like that in front of your kids, Mom! Hahahaha”

“Emile, stop laughing it’s not funny.”

“You, you, youuu, have some neeerve coming in here today.”

“Wait, was I not supposed to let her in?”

“No, Rhys, you weren’t, and if you HAD BEEN HERE in the last months you would have known!”

“GUYS! This is not the time to argue, can we just try to avoid a commotion?”

“Oh, I really didn’t mean to intrude. It’s just your husband, well he was my boyfriend’s advisor and I was just here to be with him and help him cope.”

“We both know that’s not the truth.”

“Kits, what are they talking about?”

“Nothing Jake, it’s nothing to worry about.”

“Oh nothing?! You call sleeping with my husband NOTHING?”

“Mom, why don’t we take this to Dad’s study, maybe get some privacy?”

“Rhys, your father is DEAD you think I care about privacy. This pretty young thing is just the latest of your father’s parade of sluts.”

“I really didn’t mean to, Mrs. Lansing.”

“Of course you did, you think you accidentally fell on top of my Dad? No, you definitely didn’t!”

“Stay out of this, Emile.”

“Mom, I’m just trying to help.”

“Guys, come on, let’s use our inside voices lest the neighbors hear us.”

“Jake, wait, Jake don’t leave!”

“Here’s the thing bitch—”

“Nice vocab word.”

“Thanks Rhys. Listen to me, you owed it to my family to stay away on a day like today and then you didn’t and as if my mother and my brothers weren’t suffering enough, you have the nerve to deny the affair. I recommend you get the hell out—“

“ENOUGH!”

“Agnes honey—“

“No mom, enough! We’re all adults and Dad died and all you two can think about is this affair and everything he’s done wrong. Hell, we all know he wasn’t a model husband, he wasn’t even a model father, but he was MY father! So I would appreciate it if this screaming match could stop. Kitsey you should leave, and Mom for the love of God lay. Off. The. Whiskey!”

“Wait Agnes, don’t leave.”

“Boys go check on your sister.”

“Could you get me some water Barb?”

“Sure, here sit down, I’ll be right back.”

***

“Psst, Barb! I told you I wasn’t making things up.”